she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
