last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
