I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
