mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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