you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
