dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
