this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
