Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
