1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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