If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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