Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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