Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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