seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
