I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
