How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
