it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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