the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
