great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
