I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
