Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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