i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
