Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
