I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
