took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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