Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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