Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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