If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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