Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
