did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
