so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
