I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
