Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
