I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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