literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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