we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
