she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
