I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
