FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
