Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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