when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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