I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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