all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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