I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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