Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
