i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
