i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We talked him into tasing himself.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
