we're blogging at a bar
I could make wine with my vomit
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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