"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
