Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
