You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
